Envy goes to church
by cutemonic fox
Summary: Envy goes to a church One shot


ENVY GOES TO CHURCH

You would never think a SIN would go to church to "praise" the holy phenomenon that people call "God." Envy could careless about him. Actually, he hated him. He hated anybody who would saved human lives. Why waste such authority and power on salvation?

Envy never thought about church unless he passed it; There was one on top of a steep hill he would always pass when out strolling. When he walked early in the morning on Sundays he heard screams and shouts bellowing from the sanctuary. He couldn't tell whether they were dying on crying, but he knew he loved the euphony of the human bawl when suffering or the cries of emotional despondency.

One day that aphorism "Curiosity killed the Cat" reared its ugly head, and Envy decided to pay the church a visit.

Envy was near the entrance of the Dante Manor

"Envy where are you going?" inquired a feminine voice

He inwardly flinched at the smooth voice, that same voice that is cacophony to his ears, but Envy smirked. He still can't help to feel chafed at her noisiness. "Mind your own business, Lust" he appealed

She was insulted, but brushed off the emotion. She forgot that talking to Envy was like talking to Wrath. He was so naïve and abrasive at times, but at least Wrath listened and responded."Well, it is my business. Master doesn't give us missions on Sundays; What are you up to?" she leaned against the wall with a piercing stare to follow.

Lust reminded Envy of a kid that everyone hated in class. The one would spend many days kissing the teachers ass to get ahead. Envy determined she was doing a great job being Dante's go to mule, because just like that kid she was only one who had the most missions out of all 7. Even so, she had no right to come bustling in worrying about what he was doing. He was 500 years old NO BODY should even try to question where the hell he was going.

Envy leaned against the door and twiddled with one of his curved dreds. "Church."

"Church?"

"Church."

"Why the hell would you want to go there?"

"Why the hell do you care?" Envy's finger bungeed up, down, and off the tip of this dred, his demeanor drenched in defiance. Lust saw it plastered all over his pale skin, sometimes, on more days than others, she just wanted to shred all his hair out.

"Envy" she sighed, questioning her motives behind this interrogation, "were called SINS for a reason. We are not welcome in that kind of sanctuary, if you forgot were the sins of God." She knows this is a completely futile effort, acting like Mrs. obvious and fighting him in a battle of "common sense." Envy will follow the path of ignorance with "stupidity" being the General, as she knows from going head-to-head with him in a field of logic. Inevitable, Envy always wins in the war of: "It's final, that is all" with a couple quarrels to spare.

STEADY MEN

"He nor you can't stop me from going anywhere"

STEADY...

"Your such a fool; You would burn just by looking at a portrait of him."

STEADY!

"Fool or not, all that screaming, if he caused all that then maybe he's actually not the holy savior people refer him as" he smirked.

MAN YOUR FIRE, HO!

"Your not making any sense.. you know what? Go ahead I really dont care, but if you get struck by lighting be my guest" she walked up the steps with a neutral expression.

The War is over men, but prepare for another...you may rest.

"Hmp" he vocalized, slamming the door.

Wind brushed against his skin, bird twittered good morning, and the sun was happy to see him. Honestly, he could give a shit. Knowing "God" controlled every aspect of nature (or so he was told). he grind his sandaled feet into the ground scooping up a pebble between his toe and hacky-sacked it again and again.

A Blue Jay landed in a tree near the homunculus; Envy eyed the bird; a smirk crawled around his face.

Kicking the pebble in the air, he quickly jumped and twirled knocking the rock into the tree. A screech bellowed and the bird fell to his death. Envy ambled towards the small corpse, feeling a smidge disappointed to find that the rock had not taking the path the bird had and stayed up in a branch.

He didn't dabble on it long, and found the bird to be a better substitute. He couldn't doubt that he enjoyed the cushiness of the feathers every time he punted it with his foot.

Envy made it the hill, and jumped it, but not before throwing the murdered bird into the river, making it more dead than it already was. He topped the hill and has a midget feeling of anticipation deep in his , being struck by lightning doesn't bother him, but it would truly be a bitch for him to keep regenerating constantly because "God" decides to go on a bolting spree.

He banged on the door, flimsiness of the wood is very apparent from the side of his fist. He could tear down this old white building by blowing on it. The paint chipped from all sides of the building and pieces of "tile-matter" sprinkled into his head from knocking so hard.

"Well praise the Lord! Hallelujah! We have a new comer! Please come in sister, come in!" a 50 year old, gray haired man yelled.

Envy, startled in battle stance, glared at the over-spirited twit. He recovered himself, "Listen, old man. Don't do that; You almost got yourself skewered" he warned and sneered.

The man was taken back by the boldness of his word, "Um, I-I'm sorry sister, but please come in?" He questioned,

Envy sighed aggregately, pushing his way through the man "I'm not a girl, nor am I or sister, brother, mom, daddy, baby, cousin, uncle, auntie, OJ, or whatever. My name is Envy," he said while making eye contact with every chipped table, broken chair, spider web a set of doors leading into another room.

He brushed off the rudeness emitting from Envy, "Well, in any case, Welcome Brother Envy to South Leaf Baptist Church!"

Envy ignored the man, he wasn't going to waste his energy. His attention is towards one of the particular portraits on his right, on the wall it was in the middle of the church. A bearded man, staring up with beams of light shadowing down from the murky clouds painted above. He felt instantly uncomfortable. Eyes widen and fist clinched, his body felt as if it was being tied down.

Your such a fool; You would burn just by looking at a portrait of him

Realization

"Oh, FUCK this"

Envy has no initial fear for anybody or anything, but he knew when he is out of bounds. This, RIGHT HERE, this did not feel good at all to him. He tries to sprint for the door, but the same person who gradually let him in slammed and blocked it.

"Move it human, before I kill you!" Envy growled.

"You wouldn't dare kill anybody in the lords house would you?"

"I could care less who house this is! Move it!" Envy advanced grabbing the mans shoulder.

"Please, brother, don't leave!" he ducked and lunged grabbed his leg "we need all the people we need!"

Envy shortly paused to inhale the patheticness the man discharged, "Get the hell off my leg!"

"Gasp! You just cussed in his sanctuary! You must be ashamed brother! Ashamed!"

"Get the fuck off my leg!"

"Gasp! Stop that right now brother Envy, we never cuss here!"

"I don't care," for an old timer he had the grip of gluttony. Envy bounced and shook his leg all over the place.

Another person came from a door "hey what's going- O praise the lord a new comer!" She grabbed Envy's shirt and pulled him inside the sanctuary "Praise the lord! Praise the lord! Praise the lord!"

He honestly didn't know how to what just happened. He's being man handled by a women."What the f-"

The women gladly seated Envy in one of the pews "What's this young souls name?"

"I have no soul" Envy sneered, crossing his arms and slamming back in the pew. The easiness of a slaughter parade in this place was too easy, but if he wanted to know more about this whole ordeal, he should've known that he would go through some things.

"He's brother Envy" sighed the man "he has quite a mouth." The man side glared him; Envy beat him to it and graced him with a full frontal view of a scowl that could kill many. This didn't go unnoticed by the older women and she quickly squirmed out the awkwardness of the atmosphere with the man following without missing a beat.

Envy just sneered and turned his head to the front. Rows were decorated with colorful hats worn by ladies and suits worn by men. If it wasn't for the cross hanging over the church, dressy attire, he would've thought of this as a military meeting.

"Alright brother's and sisters! We have somebody who just joined us today! Give a great Amen to brother Envy!"

"Amen!"

"Please stand up Brother Envy!"

Envy scoffed, leaned back and crossed his legs

The Preacher a bit perturbed by his response to his request but resolves it. "Its ok brother Envy! You must be just shy! Please give another amen to brother Envy, Amen"

"AMEN!" they all yelled

"What the hell." he stated, with his face filtered with no emotion.

"Oooo, you just cussed" a small little girl stated in a 'I'm telling' voice. She continued turned around facing him "its against the rules to cuss in god in his house, or you'll burn in the pit of fire"

"Good" Envy smirked manically, he shoved his face into the little girls "I'm from there and I'm not afraid to take another trip"

The little girl shuttered. "Jessica! Don't brother him your being rude! Now apologize!" her mother demanded.

"Uhh I'm sorry" she girl apologized

"I'm sorry she wont bother you again"

"I'm sure she wont" he turned his hand into large talons and started to pick his teeth "I'm sure nobody will."

The women quickly moved to another pew with bundle of others seconds after.

After a good hour of 'amens' and 'praise the lords' Envy was ready to burn the place to its last bible, his attention span is very slight when the topic that is babbled is not in the file: "Things Envy gives a shit about," but "things that Envy doesn't gives a rats testicles about."

"God says thou shall not kill did he not brothers and sisters?" the preacher yelled.

"AMEN! Preach brother preach!"

"In the old testament Brothers' and sisters-uhh- there was a follower named Moses, tell me if I'm wrong brothers and sisters"

"No you are not preach!"

Envy laid his head back glaring at the poor souls who dare occupy the path of his vision.

"Since people did not heed Moses's warning they were covered by warts from the frogs the first day! Can I get a Amen!"

"AMEN!"

Closing his eyes, relieving many church goers in the back and making some move, he waved his hand in the air "so what, frogs? That's the best punishment the God has to offer" he sneered

"Once again he warned the villagers about Gods warning, some people did heed his warning, but the one's that didn't got swarmed by locusts and got sick did they not brothers and sisters?"

"AMEN brother Alabaster!"

"Really now?" That got his attention

"He warned them again of Gods warning! But-uh!- They didn't heed it brother and sisters! They were supposed to put the blood of a lamb on the outside of there door and there lives would be spared, but some didn't and died in there sleep!"

"Whoa this God a sinister little bastard I would pick the direct approach but his approaches aren't bad either" he shook his head agreeing

"Moses promised freedom to the people who followed him, and believed him about the word of God, his brother was one of the people who didn't believe in God and tried to kill Moses, for taking his slaves to freedom. By crossing the ocean, but him and all his soldiers drowned or either were devoured by God's holy fishes of the sea"

Envy started to clap "Hey God might be so bad after all!"

"I see brother Envy has gotten in the spirit"

"I don't know what the hell your talking about! I just know God is a cold- blooded killer! He saves people sometime, but hey, I don't care as long as he keeps up what he does!" Envy stood up and started to clap more.

They started to play the music that makes people jump. And as the song played people started to scream and praise the lord, like they were about to die. Envy just stared a the amazement of the disease that covered many people around the sanctuary, Some started to scream and shout.

He just smirked.

After church was over, some people asked him if he was coming back, all he did was shrugged and walked away.

"So how was church?" asked Lust, looking up from her book and seeing Envy standing at the Entrance of the manor.

"Ok, I guess."

"Ok? What happened there?"

"Nothing."

"Ok then" she rolled her eyes

"All I know is I am never going back there again"

"Told you church was a waste of time" she turned the page.

Envy shrugged closing the door behind him.

* * *

I think I should put this for you HARD CORE Christians, its just a humor story. Please People don't take those words about God to offense. I love God dearly. Just like us, he has a sense of humor. Hes not all serious all the time. If he was this world wouldn't be as funny as it is now. But That's what I think Envy would say. I would never say that about God I'm pretty sure some of you are offended I'M SORRY! FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ARE OFFENDED! Again, it's a story. Learn, Love, Laugh, and enjoy life :) Until next time folks, have a blessed DAY!


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